I debated whether or not to write this post but decided that I want to remember all the difficulties that it took to get our second child. I think sometimes once a trial passes, it is easy to forget the struggles that came with that period of time. Although I'm so happy to eventually forget it, I want to remember this so that I will never take forgranted this pregnancy and what a blessing our new little one is.
(This is extremely long and I included all of the details of our struggle so don't feel like you need to read it if you don't want to! It's mainly for me to look back on in the future.)
We thought that we wanted our kids to be roughly 2 1/2ish years apart. We started trying for #2 exactly a year ago. It took a little longer than we anticipated (not long by any means but longer than with Ave). When I took the pregnancy test, I was so excited. I remember going out and making a little cookie cake to tell Bill the good news. I even drew little stick figure people representing our family plus another little one. I remember celebrating that night and just being so excited about our future.
A couple of days later, I woke up and had a little spotting. I was so worried but tried to tell myself that sometimes that happens, and it could end up fine. Well, it didn't and that night I realized that the pregnancy was over. I had an early miscarriage at 5 weeks before Avery so I thought that maybe my body just had little false starts before a good pregnancy could take place. Although each of these times ended so early, I think that once you get a positive pregnancy test you already start planning, getting excited, telling close family (at least I do). It really wasn't so much the baby that I was attached to at that point, but knowing that I wouldn't be holding my new little one that I had already started planning for/ dreaming about in 9 months that made it so difficult. I remember feeling so foolish for letting myself get so excited when I knew very well that it could end the same way as my first pregnancy.
Bill and I were very upset but not too discouraged because we got pregnant again the very next month(around September of last year). Since the other miscarriages were so early, I didn't even take a test until I was at least a week late. Since we had made it past both of the other times, I thought we were in the clear. Everything was going great until around 6 weeks along, I had some spotting. It was very brief one Sunday night and went away. I was absolutely sure in my mind that we were miscarrying that night but nothing ended up happening.
I woke up the next morning and called my OB's office as soon as they opened to get an appointment. I remember crying all the way there because again, I was sure it was over. The nurse said that all they could do was take blood to see if my hcg levels were rising. I ended up losing it completely with one of the nurses and she was so sweet to get me an ultrasound and a chance to see my doctor. The ultrasound showed what it should at that early point in the pregnancy and we could even see a little flicker of the heartbeat. She said that it was still so early but that she felt pretty good about the results. She wanted a follow up ultrasound the next week to make sure that everything was going well. They were also going to monitor my hcg levels throughout the week.
I felt relieved after leaving the office that day. It was exactly what I had wanted to hear, and I thought that maybe the spotting was just the type of spotting that some people experience in healthy pregnancies. I was so very sleepy and had to take naps each day so I figured that everything was going to be fine. That Thursday, we got great news that our house had sold. I felt like things were finally looking up. Bill was leaving to go hunting with the guys, and I felt good about him leaving since things were going well. That afternoon, I heard back from the nurse that my levels were rising but not like they should be. I was devastated. I had been feeling so much better about the pregnancy and just really thought it was going fine. The girls had a few things planned for that weekend but I'm pretty sure I was the most unfun person to be around. I remember rocking Ave to bed at night and just sobbing while clinging to her. She felt like such a miracle child to me, and I was really starting to wonder if I would be able to have another.
We went to the follow up ultrasound the next Monday with very low hopes. It revealed what we had expected...no longer any heartbeat. We discussed options, and my doctor said that since I was still technically around 7ish weeks, allowing my body to take care of the miscarriage on its own might be less traumatic than a D&C. I also wanted something definitive to tell me it was for sure over. I didn't want to have any doubt that I hadn't given this baby a shot. We did one more blood draw to make sure that my levels had gone down from the week before. The next day, the nurse called and said that my levels had gone up from the week before and were pretty high. Talk about emotional roller coaster. I knew in my mind that it was over, but in my heart I just clung to the tiny speck of hope. My doctor wanted a second opinion ultrasound and sent us to the hospital the next day.
There was no heartbeat as expected but I was happy to finally have an answer. It was over, and it was almost comforting to know once and for all. It had been a long few weeks full of ups and downs. I took medicine the next week to try to speed up the miscarriage. It didn't work so I gave it a second try a couple of days later. Again, some cramping but no success. We then scheduled a D&C for the next Tuesday. When that Tuesday came, I felt so ready to get on with my life that I almost was happy to go to the hospital and get it over with.
The next few months were extremely painful and difficult. I wrestled with the thought that I may never be able to keep a pregnancy again. I may have to go through this horrific ordeal of getting pregnant and losing the pregnancy all over again. It seemed that pregnancy and babies were all around. As a stay at home mom, it is impossible to get away from it all. Pregnant people are everywhere during the week- the grocery store, Target, the Children's Museum. Of course, I noticed it more because that was what I wanted so desperately.
I prayed constantly that I would feel relief from the continuous feelings of inadequacy (why can't my body do what it's supposed to do?) and my anxiety about what the future held. I prayed that we would be able to have more children. I prayed that God would settle my heart and my mind until the time came whether that be another pregnancy or possible adoption. I wanted answers so badly. I would try to keep myself busy but the sadness would peak in at the most random times. I remember coming home from the Fall Festival at our church after having a really great time and just losing it all over again. There was nothing that triggered those feelings. I just was laying in bed and started to worry about everything all over again.
We had to wait a couple months to try again. During that time, I did testing to see if there was something wrong with me that may be causing all of this. After a couple of trips to an endocrinologist and way too much blood work at my OB's office, we found out that I am perfectly normal. Nothing showed any abnormal results. While that was good news, it didn't give me any answers as to why this kept on happening. My doctor told me that she would put me on progesterone and aspirin the next time I got pregnant. There was no data to say that this would help, but it was what fertility doctors did with their patients, and I felt like I would be actively doing something different than I had done in the past.
We moved into our new house which turned out to be a great distraction. It felt like a new start for us, and once again I was hopeful. The holidays came and went. During this time, I felt like God was providing me peace while I was waiting for whatever was going to happen. It was so welcomed after such a period of worry. On New Years, I happily said goodbye to 2012 and knew that we would get some answers in 2013.
I remember writing down several verses about worry on January 2. I was convinced that I was not pregnant for that month and really wanted to focus on these verses rather than let myself spiral downward in a pit of my own sorrow and self pity. I was feeling okay about how things were going, and much to our surprise, I found out I was pregnant two days later. This was now the fifth time I had gotten a positive pregnancy test so announcing it to Bill was not quite the ordeal as it had been in the past. We went to dinner, I told him we were pregnant again, and he said, "We'll see how it goes." I think we both felt very cautiously optimistic.
I started the progesterone and aspirin the next day and starting praying harder than I ever had before for this little one. That this one would stick and that I wouldn't be crazy with anxiety. Every cramp and twinge would almost paralyze me with fear. Is this it? Is it all over? Bill and I had decided that this was our last shot. I didn't think I was emotionally stable enough to handle it all again if this didn't work. I memorized and would recite this verse every time I would become fearful (which was seriously about 20 or more times a day)-
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7
I said this over and over again with every cramp, every worry. I remember thinking that I felt such strong emotions and love towards a child that I hadn't even met yet. When remembering that God cares and loves me even more than that and wants what is best for me, it helped me to not be worried. He was going to take care of me and provide a future for me that was great, one way or another.
At church one Sunday, we sang Matt Redman's song with the following lyrics-
Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone
I remember tears coming to my eyes as I sang this because it's true. I never was alone. He is faithful and has brought me to where I am today. I can't say that I made it through this pregnancy so far without any worries. That is definitely not the truth. I was a wreck many days. My close friends and family know this all too well. I did my best to trust that everything would be okay, but honestly it was a daily struggle. I knew in my heart that this was true but the fear and worry can creep up so very easily. It still is a struggle at times if I let myself think about it but thankfully we have made it this far!
Bill and I feel so very blessed. So very thankful to be carrying another baby. It has seemed like a long road but we have hopefully made it through the bulk of the difficult times. I know that our story is so small and minor compaired to others who have struggled with infertility for years. I can't even imagine what that is like.
Avery has been such a source of joy and happiness in our lives, and we are so excited to be able to expand our family. I cannot wait to hold this little one in my arms in a few months. It will all be worth it in the end!
